blissfulthought

09:07 pm: its too late for you and your white horse...
My life in Olympia is probably more then I could have asked for.  I love my roommate. I love my friends.  I love my job and school is fantastic. 

In some other ways, my time in Olympia has been kind of tramatic.  Me and RC breaking up has been really hard on me, as I assume first serious relationships always are.  The break up seems really simple on paper (cheating, lying, asshole, pottential addict), but break ups never realy are.  I really tried to make it work, and I think it still could.  Three months after though, I am unwilling/unable to let that happen. 

My leaving for san diego created a rift between us that was left unfixed intill after shit went down.  The shit did not stop for months.  Breaking up with him was my decision, which kind of makes it easier. He wants me back, he begs and crys and tells me how he has changed. I let him in for a short while, realize my mistake and kick him back out. 

Its not because he hasnt really changed, because I believe he has, I believe he is the person he used to be, the amazing RC I loved.  Its because of the things he has done to me dont just disapear once your sorry, you mean it, and you take steps to prove it.  Damage done.  Its got to the point were I where I knew I would cave (and regret it immediatly) that I started having once a week two hour (public place) visits with him....

That doesnt happen anymore.  I stopped when I courtney/zach smacked sense into me.  Post (official breakup) the happiest and healthiest I have been is when I dont see him or have contact with him.  Thats what I am doing now.  I miss him and it hurts, but not like it did, and you all know what I am talking about. 

I am dating this amazing guy right now...(also named ryan)....Its been a couples months and he wants to be with me.  He has brought it up a couple of times and I consider it.  I dont want to jump into another relationship right now though, and I find myself being very critical of him.  I am not sure if it is because I expect whoever I am going to be with to be like RC (when things were good) or if its because he actually has flaws.  I have only ever really been in love once (on accident), and I dont know what to look for in "partners".  I really really like him, hes timing is really inconvenient.

I am coming to san diego march 23-28th and I really need it.  I need my sister and good san diego sun and care freeness.  Miranda sue, i think i need to visit you....ooohhh rhyme.

08:05 pm: i love my life.

05:39 pm: my love life is complicated. 
my friendships are great.
my job is ehhhh. 
school is tough.

my life is exactly how it should be at this point in my life.
and i love (almost) every second of it.

san diego
march 23 to the 28

11:50 am: life is great!

09:24 am: its two days till christmas. when the fuck did that happen?



these photos are from earlier in the week.  On sunday night there was about a foot and a half of snow.  It comes up to my knee and it is imppossible to walk around in unless you are in pre established paths!   We do it anyways, and take the bus around, even if the snow detour takes the trip downtown from 4 minutes to 25.    The tempature hasnt gone above 30 but has been mostly hanging in th 15-25.

This past week I have had a lot of quality friend time.  Work cancled and school closed, its like a miracle. THe buses start shuting down at six (SNOW) so if you go anywhere you pretty much have to stay the night there.  My apartment has been the number one pic  for hanging out because I am right off the bus line, I have real heating, a real tv, and I have four seasons of buffy and one season of seinfield.  I have had two to five people here every night because of that,  staying up late and drinking wine, watching buffy, and then getting breakfast in the morning, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I have gotten back into some good habits, like writing letters and crocheting.  THe problem with both is that I am kind of a perfectionist, a nd I can always find something wrong with the letters.  Too sappy, too sad, too happy, to much about them, too much about me.   Leave a comment with your address, and you will get a letter, its one of my new hobby's/

the other new hobbies are decorating my apartment, pilates/yoga, cheese, and dating.  all of which are working out pretty well.


My sister is in town (up in seattle), and it makes me so excited I want to die. Die!

04:51 pm:
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about to go out, but i thought that you all would enjoy this!  btw 10 inches of snow in oly!

01:46 pm: i feel like my brain is going to explode.  and i was just watching the buffy where the kids brain explodes.  does that mean my brain will explode?

11:21 pm:

10:59 pm: He is still sleeping with the girl he cheated with.  He also lied to my face about it. I wont kill her, but I understant how others with less self control might be moved to such drastic measures.  I told him he was an asshole and that I hated him.  I also told him that I think about how he is feeling throughout this, and have tried to do my best to make it easy for him.  How I could sleep with his friends, but that I respect him and would never do that.  He thought that was funny, if he only knew two of his friends have tried to hook up with me this weekend.  I dont want to start drama, so I am not going to tell him.  I wish I was more spitefull, angry, and immature.  I wish I could fuck his friends for revenge, but the idea makes me sick.  To have sex for revenge? Its a little ridic, and I am glad I dont subscribe to it.

 There is a very good upside to all this though.  I dont worry that I made a mistake by breaking up with him.  I love him, but he doesnt know anything about love.  This has just made me see what a right decission I have made. 

In other news I have friends and a great life up here.  Me and my friend sophie are trying to do homework (thats why I am on livejournal).  I do fun things by myself and with other people.  Including watching series with Courtney and being old grandmas and sharing beer and tea.  Raging it occassionally as well.

07:41 pm:
another paper,  another night at the reef. another post.
me and rc are done.
he cheated on me about a month ago.
i have tried to get over it for a month.
I cant.
maybe the cheating, but not all it exposed about our relationship.
he is in the process of moving out.


is it thanksgiving yet?

this is what my papers on

04:49 pm:

I have not updated in five weeks, and I think the only thing that has prompted me to do so is the staggering amount of homework I should be doing, and the ridiculous amount of diner coffee I have drank here at the Reef.  I have been avoiding livejournal...I think I have been avoiding livejournal, because beyong all else my life has been complicated, painful, angsty, and beautiful all day everyday, in every minute, and in every thing that I do.   I dont know how to express al of it, and if I knew how I dont know if want to.  Writing it all down,  telling all of you, is both setting it in cement and making it dissapear all at the same time.  Does that make sense?  I dont want it to be real, but I dont want it to all leave me at once, because I am not sure what I will have when its all gone.  This is why I having been avoiding livejournal, because I cant describe how I feel or whats going on, what it would mean if i could, why I dont want that, and how emotionally fucked up I must sound right now.  More then anything though, there is a emotional stillness from feeling all these things these past couple of months, atleast for the moment.  

And if this sounds fucked up, dont worry, I am really okay.

 

05:42 pm: i dont know what to say, besides i live in oly now.

10:37 pm: me sd of right now
i have to hurry with this post, i habe twenty minutes intill my computer dies, and i am not willing to go inside. the moonless sky makes typing difficult, and tea lights are a poor substitute.  my life here is good, so good in fact i could spend the rest of my life here, and i have been offered i year round position. i wont take it though, i cant, i miss my life in washington deeply.  i wonder still what my life would be like if i stayed, and where i would enventially end up.  maybe olympia will be the change i need, and i can get this angsty feeling out and far away from me, and feel like i belong to a place compeletly and fully.  

i am ready for my time to end here, not because i dislike it,  because i am excited for my trip at the end of the summer, and finally be home.



new tattoo?

04:13 pm: this summer as of this far
has been fantastic
 
this is kinda what our road trip was like.


this is what one of my four housemates is like.

this is what my house is like

there are a lot more pictures, of the organic garden, the kitchen and my house.  all i can say is that i am really happy, and that i hop you all are as well.

01:28 pm: such a long time to be gone, and such a short time to be there.
 as some of you may have noticed my facebook is gone.  i think for good, i am not sure.  my phone is broken and unrealiable, so that as a means of communication is iffy at best.

by the way i am in san diego right now for the rest of the summer, working at a new camp.  I am excited, so excited that the buterflys in my stomach make me feel sick, and its hard to eat.  I really hope that this camp is everything i hope it to be, and that I am everything they need me to be.  so nervous.

in other news i am finally okay with being away from rc, like really okay.  i miss him, but i know this time of seperation and openess will be good for us in the long run....or it wont, and either way i dont want to regret leaving, and things will turn out how they turn out.  There is also the possibility that I am in tottal and utteral denial, and i really am not okay with being away from him, and I am really not okay with the idea of him seeing other people.  I am bracing my self in case the latter is true and a break down is near.

04:10 pm: updated list of things to do before i go
take david out to dinner for his birthday
hang with the fam
finish the synthesis
finish english journal entries
get used to the idea of leaving
hang out with rc lots
leave on thursday

06:52 pm: ahhhhhhh !

04:32 pm: http://www.newsweek.com/id/132536
 

03:45 pm:  I am going to camp stevens this summer to be assistant cook.  I will be in san diego (area) but not at girl scouts.  
Everytime I think I am not going back to camp, a get a surprise smack in the face by fate. 

 

02:17 pm: sd
san diego on.....see you guys friday.saturday.