stuff

its too late for you and your white horse...

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 04:40:38 GMT

My life in Olympia is probably more then I could have asked for. I love my roommate. I love my friends. I love my job and school is fantastic.

In some other ways, my time in Olympia has been kind of tramatic. Me and RC breaking up has been really hard on me, as I assume first serious relationships always are. The break up seems really simple on paper (cheating, lying, asshole, pottential addict), but break ups never realy are. I really tried to make it work, and I think it still could. Three months after though, I am unwilling/unable to let that happen.

My leaving for san diego created a rift between us that was left unfixed intill after shit went down. The shit did not stop for months. Breaking up with him was my decision, which kind of makes it easier. He wants me back, he begs and crys and tells me how he has changed. I let him in for a short while, realize my mistake and kick him back out.

Its not because he hasnt really changed, because I believe he has, I believe he is the person he used to be, the amazing RC I loved. Its because of the things he has done to me dont just disapear once your sorry, you mean it, and you take steps to prove it. Damage done. Its got to the point were I where I knew I would cave (and regret it immediatly) that I started having once a week two hour (public place) visits with him....

That doesnt happen anymore. I stopped when I courtney/zach smacked sense into me. Post (official breakup) the happiest and healthiest I have been is when I dont see him or have contact with him. Thats what I am doing now. I miss him and it hurts, but not like it did, and you all know what I am talking about.

I am dating this amazing guy right now...(also named ryan)....Its been a couples months and he wants to be with me. He has brought it up a couple of times and I consider it. I dont want to jump into another relationship right now though, and I find myself being very critical of him. I am not sure if it is because I expect whoever I am going to be with to be like RC (when things were good) or if its because he actually has flaws. I have only ever really been in love once (on accident), and I dont know what to look for in "partners". I really really like him, hes timing is really inconvenient.

I am coming to san diego march 23-28th and I really need it. I need my sister and good san diego sun and care freeness. Miranda sue, i think i need to visit you....ooohhh rhyme.

i love my life.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:18:42 GMT

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:47:28 GMT

my love life is complicated.
my friendships are great.
my job is ehhhh.
school is tough.

my life is exactly how it should be at this point in my life.
and i love (almost) every second of it.

san diego
march 23 to the 28

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:57:55 GMT

life is great!

its two days till christmas. when the fuck did that happen?

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:34:01 GMT

these photos are from earlier in the week. On sunday night there was about a foot and a half of snow. It comes up to my knee and it is imppossible to walk around in unless you are in pre established paths! We do it anyways, and take the bus around, even if the snow detour takes the trip downtown from 4 minutes to 25. The tempature hasnt gone above 30 but has been mostly hanging in th 15-25.

This past week I have had a lot of quality friend time. Work cancled and school closed, its like a miracle. THe buses start shuting down at six (SNOW) so if you go anywhere you pretty much have to stay the night there. My apartment has been the number one pic for hanging out because I am right off the bus line, I have real heating, a real tv, and I have four seasons of buffy and one season of seinfield. I have had two to five people here every night because of that, staying up late and drinking wine, watching buffy, and then getting breakfast in the morning, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I have gotten back into some good habits, like writing letters and crocheting. THe problem with both is that I am kind of a perfectionist, a nd I can always find something wrong with the letters. Too sappy, too sad, too happy, to much about them, too much about me. Leave a comment with your address, and you will get a letter, its one of my new hobby's/

the other new hobbies are decorating my apartment, pilates/yoga, cheese, and dating. all of which are working out pretty well.

My sister is in town (up in seattle), and it makes me so excited I want to die. Die!

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:58:52 GMT

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about to go out, but i thought that you all would enjoy this! btw 10 inches of snow in oly!

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:53:32 GMT

i feel like my brain is going to explode. and i was just watching the buffy where the kids brain explodes. does that mean my brain will explode?

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 07:38:09 GMT

I slept with him....oops. I really dont know whats going on. I am pissed, I know that. I love him, I know that. I know what I want...kinda, I know what I want him to say, and he gets halfway there.

I need to not hang out with him. I need to just feel better. But I feel better when I hang out with him, and like shit when I hang out with him. BLAHHH.

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 07:14:31 GMT

He is still sleeping with the girl he cheated with. He also lied to my face about it. I wont kill her, but I understant how others with less self control might be moved to such drastic measures. I told him he was an asshole and that I hated him. I also told him that I think about how he is feeling throughout this, and have tried to do my best to make it easy for him. How I could sleep with his friends, but that I respect him and would never do that. He thought that was funny, if he only knew two of his friends have tried to hook up with me this weekend. I dont want to start drama, so I am not going to tell him. I wish I was more spitefull, angry, and immature. I wish I could fuck his friends for revenge, but the idea makes me sick. To have sex for revenge? Its a little ridic, and I am glad I dont subscribe to it.

There is a very good upside to all this though. I dont worry that I made a mistake by breaking up with him. I love him, but he doesnt know anything about love. This has just made me see what a right decission I have made.

In other news I have friends and a great life up here. Me and my friend sophie are trying to do homework (thats why I am on livejournal). I do fun things by myself and with other people. Including watching series with Courtney and being old grandmas and sharing beer and tea. Raging it occassionally as well.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 02:48:48 GMT

another paper, another night at the reef. another post.
me and rc are done.
he cheated on me about a month ago.
i have tried to get over it for a month.
I cant.
maybe the cheating, but not all it exposed about our relationship.
he is in the process of moving out.

is it thanksgiving yet?

this is what my papers on

Reflective essay topic (4 pages typed)
  1. Identify and discuss at least three main features of tragedy based on the class readings: Oedipus, Ferguson's "Ritual and Play," and the handout "Notes on play reading and tragedy."
  2. Identify and discuss at least three main features of classical Greek astronomy based on the reading of Aristotle's "On the Heavens," Plato's "Allegory of the Cave" and Theories of the World readings.
  3. In what ways does classical Greek theatre and astronomy reflect a unified world view?

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:06:22 GMT

I have not updated in five weeks, and I think the only thing that has prompted me to do so is the staggering amount of homework I should be doing, and the ridiculous amount of diner coffee I have drank here at the Reef. I have been avoiding livejournal...I think I have been avoiding livejournal, because beyong all else my life has been complicated, painful, angsty, and beautiful all day everyday, in every minute, and in every thing that I do. I dont know how to express al of it, and if I knew how I dont know if want to. Writing it all down, telling all of you, is both setting it in cement and making it dissapear all at the same time. Does that make sense? I dont want it to be real, but I dont want it to all leave me at once, because I am not sure what I will have when its all gone. This is why I having been avoiding livejournal, because I cant describe how I feel or whats going on, what it would mean if i could, why I dont want that, and how emotionally fucked up I must sound right now. More then anything though, there is a emotional stillness from feeling all these things these past couple of months, atleast for the moment.

And if this sounds fucked up, dont worry, I am really okay.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 00:47:55 GMT

i dont know what to say, besides i live in oly now.

me sd of right now

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:56:21 GMT

i have to hurry with this post, i habe twenty minutes intill my computer dies, and i am not willing to go inside. the moonless sky makes typing difficult, and tea lights are a poor substitute. my life here is good, so good in fact i could spend the rest of my life here, and i have been offered i year round position. i wont take it though, i cant, i miss my life in washington deeply. i wonder still what my life would be like if i stayed, and where i would enventially end up. maybe olympia will be the change i need, and i can get this angsty feeling out and far away from me, and feel like i belong to a place compeletly and fully.

i am ready for my time to end here, not because i dislike it, because i am excited for my trip at the end of the summer, and finally be home.

new tattoo?

this summer as of this far

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:28:41 GMT

has been fantastic

this is kinda what our road trip was like.

this is what one of my four housemates is like.

this is what my house is like

there are a lot more pictures, of the organic garden, the kitchen and my house. all i can say is that i am really happy, and that i hop you all are as well.

such a long time to be gone, and such a short time to be there.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:39:23 GMT

as some of you may have noticed my facebook is gone. i think for good, i am not sure. my phone is broken and unrealiable, so that as a means of communication is iffy at best.

by the way i am in san diego right now for the rest of the summer, working at a new camp. I am excited, so excited that the buterflys in my stomach make me feel sick, and its hard to eat. I really hope that this camp is everything i hope it to be, and that I am everything they need me to be. so nervous.

in other news i am finally okay with being away from rc, like really okay. i miss him, but i know this time of seperation and openess will be good for us in the long run....or it wont, and either way i dont want to regret leaving, and things will turn out how they turn out. There is also the possibility that I am in tottal and utteral denial, and i really am not okay with being away from him, and I am really not okay with the idea of him seeing other people. I am bracing my self in case the latter is true and a break down is near.

updated list of things to do before i go

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 23:14:39 GMT

take david out to dinner for his birthday
hang with the fam
finish the synthesis
finish english journal entries
get used to the idea of leaving
hang out with rc lots
leave on thursday

Sat, 10 May 2008 01:54:57 GMT

ahhhhhhh !

http://www.newsweek.com/id/132536

Tue, 06 May 2008 23:39:34 GMT

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:49:18 GMT

I am going to camp stevens this summer to be assistant cook. I will be in san diego (area) but not at girl scouts.
Everytime I think I am not going back to camp, a get a surprise smack in the face by fate.

sd

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 21:18:57 GMT

san diego on.....see you guys friday.saturday.

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:50:48 GMT

i might not be going to san diego. my granpa is dieing and i might have to stay and watch the kids while my parents go to new hampshire for the funeral.

to camp or not to camp, that is the question...

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 04:10:42 GMT

I really think that I might want to go to camp, but I cant make up my mind.
I dont think I want to work in the kitchen though. I love it, but its all I have done for 3 years.
I am going to write of the positves and negatives

Positives
Francis, Nadine, and Jesse. My favorite campers of all time.
Helping girls grow strong (for reals)
Growing and developing myself.
Having a Kickass time
Doing my best to contribuite what I can to something I love
Seeing my sister
staying with my granparents (super lush)
Seeing lots of people I love
Francis, her friend, and Jesse. My favorite campers of all time. Jesse wrote me asking if I am coming back. I wrote back about my new kitten and the trees and the weather and that i am still figuring it out.

After taking art classes, all I want to do is arts and crafts, and i think that my ordering skills and pantry organization could whip the crafty hut into shape. I want to make pet clams, playdoh, do self potraits with them, make natural dyes, make chocalate sculptures, natural art (designing art with rocks and sticks) take pictures of it when we do it and what nature does to it after, i want to photocopy my amazing art book and make a craft list and what they learn about art behind it.  I want to make coin purses, and teach weaving. I want to make paper and candles and change how girls look at crafts at camp. I want to make mud scultures and teach about animal locomotion and what plants bloom first in the spring (not arts n crafts but...)
I want to play in the mud and be sweaty.
I want to quit smoking.

Negatives
Its really far from where I live. Like two states away far
I dont make enough to have fun while I am down there, and save for an apartment and school
I could work and still go to school up here, making 60 in tips a day and nine dollars an hour, at a place that is fantastic for a resume. If i work here for a year (which it will be in august)   i can get a job at any caffe.
I would miss my family
I have never had a summer in washington
I would miss lake shelan ( a week of debaucher and mahiem)
My mom would really miss me.
My cats.

But camp is calling. So confused...anyone have any enlightenment for me?

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 06:29:41 GMT

stuck in eastern washington. heres to snow snow snow snow on the passes.

ps

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hofo9H6MKfw

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:13:54 GMT

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v310/blissfullthought/P1010145.jpg[/IMG]

Spring break, winter quarter, and the never ending rain.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 22:42:35 GMT

So spring break me and ryan are going to book-it to sd (an attempt of what me gabby and kim accomplished last summer). We hope to be there around the 23 and functional and hanging out around the 24 of march. We will leave around the 29-30th depending on who is available to hang out in the northern regions. That means you Santa Cruz, San Fransisco, and Humboldt. Anyone that has an available floor to crash out on will recieve a mystery gift (and no it is not only the joy of my company). We are planning on camping too around southern portland northern cal...any good spots anyone can suggest?

Winter quarter is going good except for my midterm project in my american mass media and cultural communications class. Our topic is about music censorship, wow what a great and easy topic right........right. I am drawing a blank. Its like I have all the info but I just cant put it together. The class is amazing, the teacher is amazing and I am pulling a big fart noise thumbs down.

Down down down comes the rain. It hasnt stopped. I promised Kian that I would take her to bothell landing (super cool park) but unfortionatly the rain is still coming down. She looks at me with these big dopey dog eyes all dissopointed so I give her all kinds of human food and take her with me on my errands. Right now we are at my work, and this guy scott that comes in everyday and gets a double short latte is feeding her part of his croisant. I think that dogs, like humans, are really cute when they are really young, and when they are really old.

Its been almost ten months since rc has been in my life, and almost six as partners. Its really amazing and really scary at the same time.

I bought this new vest its super rad, kind of itchy but oooo so warm.